Where Have I Seen Jek Porkins Before?
He's just a minor character from a small, indie film in the 70s by the name of Star Wars. Not that you've heard of it.
The Life Jek Porkins from Star Wars (Abridged Version)
- Year X -
Born to morbidly obese woman on Bestine IV.
- Year X + 18 years -
Nearly eats himself out of the Starfighter Academy.
- Year X + 18-38 years -
{insert factually incorrect history added by Star Wars nerds after the original trilogy ended.}
- Year X + 39 years & 275 days -
- 6:00 am -
Jek Porkins wakes up. Filled with nervous energy, he tops off a very large continental breakfast with an entire box of little chocolate donuts.
- 8:37 am -
Red Squadron mobilized. Jek responds with mouth full, "Red Six standing by."
- 8:39 am -Red Squadron begins mission. Unfortunately, Jek forgets 64 oz. soft drink cup on the roof of his X-wing. Upon take off, 64 ounces of carbonated beverage spills and seeps into the electrical component responsible for keeping the X-wing from spontaneously exploding.
R6-D7 whirrs and attempts to inform Jek of the predicament. Jek, thinking he’s about to be lectured again on not eating in the cockpit, turns off his droid-pilot intercom.
(insert ominous, foreshadowing music here)
- 9:16:32 am -Battle of Yavin draws near.
- 9:16:38 am -Jek turns droid-pilot intercom back on in preparation for enemy engagement.
Is heard asking, “What do you mean there’s high fructose corn syrup in the engine core? You’re telling me this now?”
- 9:17 am -Battle of Yavin begins. Red Six noted to be flying erratically.
- 9:17:10 am -Jek announces, “I’ve got a problem here.”
- 9:17:13 am -Is subjected to the “Eject,” line from Biggs Darklighter.
- 9:17:17 am -Remembers how freakin’ stupid Biggs Darklighter is.
- 9:17:19 am -Confidently states, "No, I'm alright."
- 9:17:20 am -Jek dies quietly.
- 9:17:25 am -Hot dog venders throughout the galaxy feel a disturbance in the force.
Star Wars Shirts
What We Learned From Watching Star Wars, Episode IV, A New Hope
They spoke very good American-English a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Darth Vader probably could have boarded the Tantive IV by himself, but chose to send a half dozen or so Stormtroopers to their end.
Sandpeople don't pronunciate very well.
These aren't the droids you're looking for.
When choosing a stool in a cantina, avoid sitting next to a man that has a death sentence on twelve systems.
If you leave a corpse in a bar, it's only right to toss the bartender a coin.
That's no moon. It's a space station.
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster.
Travelling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops.
The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
Princesses adore being called Your Worshipfulness.
Wookies can be affectionately called Big Walking Carpets.
Holographic Space Chess is pretty awesome.
Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?
Uhh...everything's under control. Situation normal. Uhhh...we had a slight weapons malfunction, but, uhhhh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?
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