Where Have I Seen Carbonite Han Solo Before?
He didn't get out much, but you may have seen him being loaded on Boba Fett's Slave One ship on Cloud City above the planet Bespin or perhaps as a wall hanging in the living chambers of Jabba the Hutt on the planet of Tatooine.
Or perhaps you simply saw him in the movies The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi where his plight was documented in technicolor and THX surround sound.
Little Known Facts About Carbonite Han Solo
While in carbonite hibernation, spent his plentiful free time formulating his revenge against Lando. He ultimately decided on the poisoning of his Colt .45.
Totally planned on taking revenge on that weird, bald dude with the cyber-earmuffs, too.
Was haunted for the duration of his hibernation by the lingering smell of the tauntaun he opened up and stuffed Luke into.
Carbonite hibernation isn't total sensory deprivation. Han had to endure several months of weekly, anything goes orgies. While he wasn't able to see the 100-150 creature encounters, the consant smells of coitus and Boba Fett's high pitched grunting is something Han still won't talk about to this day.
Urinating on Carbonite Han was considered good luck by the pig guards.
Just prior to being turned into carbonite, Han ruefully recalled that he still hadn't been paid the 17,000 credits he was promised for the safe passage of Luke, Obi-Wan, and the droids.
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What We Learned From Watching The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi
English grammar down Yoda doesn't quite have.
Nerf herder is a powerful expletive. As is rebel scum.
The possibility of navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.
The odds of Luke crash landing right next to Yoda's yert on Degobah is apparently much better.
Tauntauns: nature's sleeping bag.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Nobody wants to hear the odds of successfully surviving an attack on an Imperial Star Destroyer.
Don't apologize to Darth Vader.
Boba Fett is fond of disintegrations.
Carbonite. Not just for Walt Disney anymore.
Admiral Akbar is one handsome dude.
Sarlacc pit 1 - Boba Fett 0.
Ewoks still suck, have always sucked, and will always suck. So, suck on that.
Special Commentary Unrelated to Carbonite Han Solo by the Catastrophising Drifter from the Future (In a Bobby Hat)
Falling into a Sarlacc pit and being slowly digested for a thousand years?
Pretty bad, I guess. But still a freakin' cakewalk compared to what's in store for all of you.
*SPOILER ALERT*
You know that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the creepy Nazi dude's face melts?
Well, 1/3 of you will go that route.
Another third will drown/boil in 250° flood waters.
Should have secured those levees.
The rest of you will suffer through your miserable, truncated lives with a dizzying array of maladies, such a blindness, projectile eye vomiting (don't ask), and the sporadic dropping and regeneration of your olafactory glands and genitals.
There's also the hyper-violent wolverines and kamikaze brown bears, but I don't want to spoil the surprise.
Well, anyway, have a good day.
Fun Fact About Carbonite Han Solo
Carbonite Han Solo was subjected to an assassination attempt by Greedo's older brother, Slotho.
Slotho meticulously plotted for 18 months, before finally obtaining both a janitorial position in Jabba's stronghold and the keycode to restore Solo from his carbonite enclosure. After working the job for 3 weeks and enduring unspeakable employment conditions, Slotho decided the plan was to come to fruition. That night, emboldened by 100 proof Tatooine potato liquor he entered Jabba's chambers and made his move.
The keycode he was given by the amputee-beggar-walrus Ponda Baba were the numbers 0705. Unfortunately, the dimwitted Slotho had received the paper upside down and thought the correct code was the word "SOLO," which didn't make any sense to him with the purely numeric keypad. Thinking he had been tricked by Panda Baba, and that he had wasted 18 months in his pursuit of revenge, Slotho became uncontrollably enraged.
Seething, Slotho pulled a blaster from his slopbucket and fired a volley of shots at Carbonite Han Solo's groin. The shots rocked the carbonite shell backwards, ultimately dislodging it from its holding frame and causing it to lurch forward where it crushed the slow-footed, attempted assassin.
The moral of this Fun Fact is "never trust an amputee-beggar-walrus."
Memorable Quotes from Carbonite Han Solo
(The sound of crickets)
Purchase The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi
Loose Ends
The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi are the copyrights of Lucasfilm Ltd. and pretty damn good movies, especially The Empire Strikes Back. If you haven't seen them, by all means go out and rent/purchase them. You won't regret it.
The Hall of Magnificent Bastards is not associated with Star Wars, Han Solo or Lucasfilm Ltd. in any way, shape or form. This is just parody and satire.
Links to Other Carbonite Han Solo and Star Wars Pages
Here are some related links to Carbonite Han Solo and Star Wars. Because we have no control over these pages, the Hall can't be responsible for the content found within. Visit at your own risk.
Han Solo - Wikipedia Page
Carbonite - Wikipedia Page
Han Solo at Star Wars
Han Solo at Wookiepedia
Carbonite Han Solo Made From Legos
How to Make a Carbonite Han Solo Out of Chocolate
How to Make a Carbonite Han Solo Cheese Dish
Han Solo Quotes To Use in Regular Conversation
Carbonite Han Solo Movie Prop
Carbonite Han Solo at Rebel Scum
Gallery Store - Carbonite Han Solo T-Shirts and Similar Items
