Austin Millbarge and Emmett Fitz-Hume from Spies Like Us - Magnificent Bastards

Austin Millbarge and Emmett Fitz-Hume

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Where Have I Seen Austin Millbarge and Emmett Fitz-Hume Before?

They're just two red-blooded American spies whose Cold War exploits were documented in the movie Spies Like Us. No less than Sir Paul McCartney sang their theme song.


What We Learned From Spies Like Us

GLG20, or the rank of Foreign Service Operative, can be achieved utilizing an eye patch, a fake broken arm, and some creative teamwork.

KGB stands for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

If you come across a static filled, triple scrambled, microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese and the Chinese are only using a simple, polyphonetically grouped twenty square digit key, transposed from booster verdonic form, with multiple nulls, then it can be broken using a Drogen’s decoder wheel, which can be found sporadically in boxes of Lucky Charms.

Fitz-Hume’s sister is quite good.

Aghani Freedom Fighters don’t particularly like Americans.

Regarding Paraguayan subsidies, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that’s the way it will always be. Is that clear?

Your dick can get you through High School.

It is worth risking the future of the human race to guarantee the American way of life.

You can locate your contact in a foreign mob by asking "Who led the American League in homers in 1953?" Just in case you were wondering, it was Al Rosen, whose nickname was the "Hebrew Hammer."

Appendectomies must be initiated with, "And now the first incision."

Offering up your sister is the best course of action when surrounded by ninjas. If that fails, one should offer to bring back the sun.

We feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of our bladder, now, right now at this moment and we’d feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up, right now.



Special Commentary by The Ghost of Rutherford Hayes (After 5 brandies)

"...anyway, that reminds me of the time Vice President William Wheeler, Postmaster General David Keys and I were alone in the Oval Office in the fall of ’79........"

<Content edited for time>

“…a dickfer?

No, I said what's a dickfer?

Give up?

To pee with, you rube.”

<Hmmph-Hmmph-Har-Har>

Oh, man. Good times. But seriously, crossing the Pamir Mountains into Soviet Tajikistan is no small feat.

I’m going to go lie down for a few minutes.


Fun Fact About Austin Millbarge and Emmett Fitz-Hume

The phrase Austin Millbarge uses to trick the Russians was "Men'she ty znaesh', lushche, which according to the IMDB, translates as "The less you know, the better."


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Loose Ends

Spies Like Us is distributed by Warner Home Video and is a top notch movie. If you haven't seen it, by all means go out and buy it. You won't regret it.

The Hall of Magnificent Bastards is not associated with Spies Like Us, Warner Home Video or the Federal Government in any way, shape or form. This is just parody and satire.


Links to Other Spies Like Us Pages

Here are some related links to Spies Like Us. Because we have no control over these pages, the Hall can't be responsible for the content found within. Visit at your own risk.

Spies Like Us - Wikipedia Page
Spies Like Us - IMDB Page
Spies Like Us - Rotten Tomatoes Page



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Memorable Quotes from Austin Millbarge and Emmett Fitz-Hume in Spies Like Us

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh, uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

Frank Oz: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?

-

Russian Spy #1: Why are you here?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... How do you spell spell Sartre?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww. And let that be a lesson to you.

-

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What was that?

Austin Millbarge: It was a dickfer.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?

Austin Millbarge: To pee with.

-

Russian Spy #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you're here, I cut off a finger.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?

Russian Spy #2: Yours.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!

-

Emmett Fitz-Hume: If you let us go, I'll bring back the sun.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Here's a picture of my sister. If you let us go you can have her. I hear she's quite good.

-

Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

-

Emmett Fitz-Hume: My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.

-

Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them.

-

Austin Millbarge: We mock what we don't understand.

-

Ace Tomato Agent: Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?

-

Austin Millbarge: It's..."Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.

-

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?

Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian, J.C. Penney?

-

Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.

Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!

Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?

-

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm Sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.

-

Capt. Hefling: What about that Red Chinese radio chatter?

Austin Millbarge: It's done. Here you go.

Capt. Hefling: Done? That was a static filled, triple scrambled, microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese.

Austin Millbarge: Well, the Chinese were only using a simple polyphoneticly grouped twenty square digit key, transposed from booster verdonic form, with multiple nulls. I broke it with this.

Capt. Hefling: A Drogen's Decoder Wheel? They put these into cereal boxes for kid!

Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of, uh . . . Lucky Charms.