Where Have I Seen Gelatinous Cubes Before?
You know that nightmare you always have about walking down a dark corridor, running into something sticky, being paralyzed and then being slowly digested alive?
Yeah, gelatinous cube.
Little Known Facts about the Gelatinous Cube
The gelatinous cube is responsible for many, many nightmares. Provided, of course, that you dream of walking down 10’ x 10’ corridors holding a torch and the spell components for “magic missile.”
A gelatinous cube won the head to head match-up with a deadly pudding in the latest non-humanoid version of King of the Cage.
Women love conversing about Gelatinous Cubes. It’s almost uncanny. Even more than demolition derbies and the sub-bosses of video games.
Dungeons and Dragons Shirts
Special Commentary on the Gelatinous Cube by The Ghost of Rutherford Hayes
Well, we didn't really have a choice with this one. One of our interns who's practiced in the black arts got loaded at the HoMB holiday party and tried to impress that other intern with the large breasts and instead of summoning his cat familiar, he summoned a gelatinous cube. Thankfully we were able to evacuate the basement before anyone was paralyzed and consumed.
Anyway, we made lemonade out of lemons and inducted the damn thing into the Hall.
And even though it's a nerve-wracking event when the circuit breaker pops and while the occasional parakeet or pet lemur goes missing now and again, the thing really does do a hell of a job cleaning. Our basement's never looked better.
Fun Fact About the Gelatinous Cube
The gelatinous cube, as a species, has terrorized humanity for years untold and is responsible for some of the more outlandish occurrences in recent times.
The Bermuda Triangle?
Gelatinous cubes. A mass gathering of those intrepid creatures, combined with dodgy, oceanic weather patterns, makes for a nightmarish seascape for passenger vehicles.
Jimmy Hoffa?
We've heard on good authority that Hoffa stumbled upon one while looking for a bathroom at the Meadowlands between chatting it up with teamsters.
The Assassination of Leon Trotsky?
Though not proven conclusively, again, probably gelatinous cubes.
The 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates?
Not gelatinous cube related.
Memorable Quotes Regarding Gelatinous Cubes
Lightmane the Paladin:
"What the...? I just ran into something slimy. Nightsliver, quit casting Cure Light Wounds for a second and hand me a torch."
-
Pandar the Cleric (that always hangs in the back):
"Oh, c'mon, let's get a move-on, Wolfslasher. I'm sure there's nothing lurking in that dark corridor ahead.
Let's kill that Lich and be done with it. It's time for second breakfast already.
We still have some of that Beholder stew left, right?"
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Packgrowl the half-orc NPC:
"Seriously, just because I'm an NPC doesn't mean that I have to go first into the immaculately cleaned 10'x10' corridor every time.
Yeah, I know I don't have a say in this, but, seriously, this ain't right.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
A*holes."
Loose Ends
Dungeons and Dragons is the copyright of Wizards of the Coast.
The Hall of Magnificent Bastards is not associated with the Dungeons and Dragons or the Wizards of the Coast in any way, shape or form. This is just parody and satire.
Links to Other Gelatinous Cubes and Dungeons and Dragons Pages
Here are some related links to Gelatinous Cubes and Dungeons and Dragons. Because we have no control over these pages, the Hall can't be responsible for the content found within. Visit at your own risk.
Gelatinous Cube at Wikipedia
Gelatinous Cube Facts
How to Make a Resin Gelatinous Cube
Dungeons & Dragons at Wizards of the Coast
Gelatinous Cubes at Slack and Hash
Gelatinous Cube Info at Everything 2
Variations on Gelatinous Cubes at Wizards of the Coast
Gallery Store - Gelatinous Cube T-Shirts and Similar Items
